Relationship Status : committed to inner peace, expansion, gratitude, & self-love.
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I know that we’re coming up on a day that brings with it, a lot of the feels. Some feel over the moon joy, while others are feeling intense loneliness. Some might be feeling indifferent to the day altogether, as this year, it’s just a Wednesday. A Wednesday with a lot of hearts all over the place. Nothing special.
You’re probably in one of a few places: in a relationship, not in a relationship, or perhaps in various shades (although not 50, unless that’s your thing) of grey.
Regardless of the label, you are technically accountable for at least one relationship: the one that you have with yourself. And I know that that this sounds entirely cliché, maybe a little cynical, or even jaded. BUT, ya know what? It isn’t.
That’s because:
The relationship that you have with yourself sets the standard for the relationships that you have with others.
Let that SINK in.
Read it again, maybe even twice. Think about it, process it, and ponder some of the relationships in your life. The term ‘relationship’ is not limited to just romantic relationships, even though I think that far too often, we forget that the word means so much more. The word is defined by the connection and as such, the uber powerful italicized sentence above refers to every single connection that you forge with another human.
Are you feeling some type of way yet?
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If we look back at that sentence, the root of its meaning is referring to self-love. Good ol’ Google defined self-love as:
regard for one’s own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).
And what I’m proposing is RADICAL self-love. I call it radical, because it has to be over the top. It has to be intentional. It has to be Earth shattering and knee-knocking, and scary. It has to be about YOU, not anyone else.
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I’m not an expert on anything really, except for who I am, and maybe, just maybe, I could consider myself an expert on acknowledging the power of connection in relationships.
So, this is just my lived experience. MY journey. You can disagree — your self-love is your own to evaluate.
I’ll start it by saying, I love love. I think that I always have and I am such a romantic sap. Catch me crying at any point because the love is so real.
I say, “I love you,” to a lot of people. I don’t think that I live with my heart on my sleeve, but I do extend my heart (or at least try my darnedest) to every person that I meet. I know that I’ve said I love you to people and it hasn’t meant the same thing to me that it did to them, which has caused hurt. I can’t apologize for what felt most right in the moment and then faded later.
Love is inherently vulnerable, whether you are extending it to someone or offering it to yourself.
It is effort. It is a choice. It is MESSY. It’s beautiful and it is its own beast.
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Self-love is not “treat yo’self”
Loving ourselves is not just about the daily indulgences, small trinkets that we buy when we’re having a bad day, or the little luxuries that we allow ourselves. Loving yourself is about identifying and pursuing your heart aches and soul tugs. It’s about leaning into the uncomfortable to find what brings us joy and changes our spirit.
Although painting my nails and shaving my legs does make me happy, it’s the kind of happiness that comes from keeping up with my self-care, not from the intrinsic feelings of the well of happy that I continuously draw from.
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Self-love can be just like Drake says
I might’ve just lost you for a second — you know Drake’s new song, God’s Plan? If not, you should take a gander and listen to it. Even if you’re not into rap, it’s got a boppin’ beat and always makes me move my feet.
It has this line that permeates the headspace. It’s one of those lines that you just keep repeating and never gets old. When I first heard it, I was like…DAMN Drake
And then, I kept listening. I kept singing it. And I’m not going to pretend like I know what his true intent was, but I can speculate.
The lyric reads, She say, “Do you love me?” I tell her, “Only partly” I only love my bed and my Momma, I’m sorry.
Yo, this guy is AWARE. He’s unapologetically expressing his truth…and that is OKAY.
In fact, I think that more people could learn to do this! We spend so much time and effort skirting the issue of being vulnerable enough to express our truth, we get caught up in what we think people want to be true, and in turn, lose ourselves entirely.
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Self-love is accepting that you have a life outside of your phone
I’ll be honest, I love my phone. I have nearly 30,000 photos, 500 videos, and countless messages that bring me joy…all from that little (well kind of large) screen. I have people that talk to me and want to catch up. I manage my social media and can FaceTime as I please. I love that my phone can do all of these great things.
I dislike the expectation that because the phone can do all of these things, that I should be available 24/7.
Do NOT apologize to me if you don’t respond right away. I’m honestly sick of people thinking that my life and happiness hinges on getting a response in less than 10 minutes. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. You have one, so enjoy it. You probably have school, a job, friends, family, maybe a significant other, clubs, exercise, ALL OF THE THINGS. Be present with those things!!
If I need an answer from you quickly, I will 100% just give you a call. It’s what I prefer.
So just know, that :
- My happiness is not dependent on whether or not you text me back in any sort of quick manner.
- I don’t expect you to drop whatever you’re doing to respond to me, nor should you have that expectation of me. There are instances that warrant a ‘drop everything’ mentality, but those are typically phone conversations.
- You’ve got this really great opportunity to use your phone to document the moments in your life, not get caught up in someone else’s moments, etc. Take it.
Call me if you need me or want to catch up — I love that it’s an extremely intentional allocation of time. I also love to be present in what I’m doing, so for my self-love, I’m going to choose a different relationship with my phone.
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Self-love is making the tough decision, even when it hurts
We already know that love is difficult. But love is even more difficult when it’s not shown in the way that you need it to be.
Someone can love you with their whole being, exactly how they think that you should be loved, and it could be all wrong for you.
So even though they care for you, you need to know what you can or cannot compromise on.
I for one, will not compromise on someone respecting me or my dreams and aspirations. Do NOT tell me that I don’t have the work ethic to make a 9 – 5 job work out. Do NOT tell me that I am selfish for pursuing what I want. Do NOT talk down to me or raise your voice at me — I am extremely skilled in verbal discourse — just ask my sister. She was at the losing end of many an argument growing up.
That’s when the self-love comes in. Be aware enough of what you want, that you can leave when it no longer feels right. This isn’t easy. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to hurt. You might cry, hard. You might have your stomach twist into knots. You might doubt that you’re strong enough to go through with it. You can do it — in order to be the you that feels whole and loved in the right way, leave. This isn’t to say that you don’t love this person or care for this person. But that doesn’t mean that even though there is care, that it’s what is best for you.
Do the thing. Let your shoulders relax from the weight that has been removed. Breathe easily. Move forward with your new knowledge and awareness. Choose differently next time.
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Self-love is making time for the things that bring you joy
My routine lately might seem pretty boring to like 90% of the population, but that’s okay, because it works for me! I aim to work out every single day. The boost of endorphins gives me a rush, I get to dance, and I am on cloud nine. After I’ve done my homework and the other things that get lumped onto my To Do list, I end the evening doing something that I love.
Photo Editing // Journaling // Dancing // Reading // FaceTime // SOMETHING LOVELY
This time is super intentional for me to collect myself before I go to bed, do something that brings me a lot of joy, and also feeds my need for internal processing or connection.
My life would feel infinitely less rich if I didn’t consciously make time for these things.
Find your things, do them often.
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Self-love is becoming aware of who you want to spend time with
I used to really enjoy doing a lot of things with a large mix of people — it almost got to the point where I would beat myself up about not doing things with people. I get approached all of the time with the phrase, “Oh my gosh, we never hung out!” It’s typically followed with a face that lays on some guilt and I always left the interaction thinking, “Wow. That doesn’t particularly make me feel like hanging out.” It isn’t to say that I didn’t miss these people or that the intention of their comment was bad. But it is to say that we must remember that communication is a two – way street, as are relationships. So, if you want to hang out or catch up, create a dialogue. Give me a few dates that work for you and we can make shit happen. I’ll even write it all pretty into my planner and everything. Yep, that’s when it’s official…I use Sharpie Pen.
I’m no longer at the point in my life where going to a fraternity party is how I want to spend time with you. I want to go to a nice dinner, talk dreams, goals, love, life, and then create meaningful moments. If I am making the decision to spend time with you, it is super intentional. I am as present as I can possibly be and for however long you’re there, you have my attention. I’m all yours.
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The intention of this post was never to make it seem like an open application for a boyfriend, because it sure as hell isn’t, but part of my self-love has been fostering my awareness for what I would see in my ideal life partner. Although I’m not ready to think about marriage, I know that when I am with the person who is a welcome addition, not detraction, then it won’t seem like such a daunting thing.
In terms of who I want to spend my life with, here’s a quick synopsis:
Emotionally available // I need someone who is mature, can express wants / needs / desires, and isn’t afraid to acknowledge hurt.
Communicative // open dialogue is key, respectful communication, snappy dialogue, can make me laugh. I want the person who goes from writing a super professional email to sending a super stupid video to then sending a text that makes me blush all sorts of red.
Wellness // mind / body / soul healthy, willing and open to activities outside that promote staying physically fit together or apart ( and in all honesty, I have zero aversion to muscles…zero. So like, you can have them. I’d be good with that)
Centered // grounded in humility, faith, and family
Sense of Adventure // I want someone who will hop on a plane and say an enthusiastic YES to experiencing the everyday extraordinary.
Moment Keeper and Maker // I want someone who will help me document the moments that make up the life that we have — the good, bad, inappropriate, and humorous.
Love // the capacity to love and be loved.
Attitude // I need someone who will sass me back, but in the same vein, also encourage me. I thrive in high vibe environments. Bring that.
Space // I need someone who will honor the time away from each other. I love taking time to myself to recharge and recoup. I need someone who will also value their own time to do as they please.
Team // I need someone that will be a team player, that understands that compromise will be necessary, and that I can enjoy doing the menial tasks with. I was raised in a home that valued each member in various roles and depending on the season of life, the roles evolved and we then adapted.
Security // I want someone who makes me feel safe and protected not only in everyday life, but in an embrace.
Present // learn from the past, appreciate the present, look forward to the future.
Growth // acknowledge that whatever part of our life we are in, that is what is the best time of our life. We won’t peak.
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And ya know, my journey is sweet. I’ll continue to extend and wear my heart on my sleeve (unless it’s nice out, because ya know that I’ll be showing off my new toned arms…duh…sun’s out gun’s out) and I’ll keep doing me.
This February 14th, I feel excited for those over the moon in love. I see it in the way that your face lights up and my heart beams for you. I’m optimistic for those that are feeling lonely. I understand the feelings and I know that you’ll move forward into a better place. And for those that are just feeling like it’s another Wednesday, well, you’re not quite wrong, but it IS another Wednesday that you’re living, breathing, and thriving. So, it is all good.
This February 14th is a celebration of the love that I feel has been a work in progress for such a long time. Self-love is a journey and as they say (who they, I don’t know, lots of people with knowledge) : everything worth something, is worth working towards. I will spend this exceptional Wednesday basking in the innate knowledge that I am knowing myself, growing myself, and stepping into all of the love in my life with my heart and arms wide open.
Truly, all of the love, all of the hugs. Big smiles! You’re worth it.
“Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us, they know exactly how it should be done.” // Rudy Francisco
Now go love ya’self.
xo, jo