glimpse through the goggles // an unfiltered look into my world
I’ve been a little silent lately — silent over social media, silent in my processing and silent to the emotions that I keep fighting off. This past school year was good, but it was hard.
You know the feeling where after a long day, you can look forward to being home? Where you can’t wait to take off your shoes, throw your hair in a messy bun and put some sweatpants on? I couldn’t do that. For 8 months, I lived in a building–just a place. The building was falling apart, always smelly and so, so dirty. My room was endearingly called, “The Cave.” It was small, about 9′ x 11′, with just a 6′ ceiling, but it was clean and it was mine. Although that might sound well and good, I shut myself in that room for evenings, for days at a time and I spent a lot of time by myself. On nearly every day that ends with ‘y’, I consider myself an extrovert in social settings, but in the same vein, I cherish the time that I get to spend by myself. That time allows me to process all of the things that occupy my head-space, to recharge, and to get in the zone to get things done.
As you might’ve guessed…it was kind of lonely too.
It took more mental effort to finish last semester than I could’ve anticipated. The first time i was in Cali for Spring Break, I was convinced that I could just stay. That school no longer had its hold on me. That I could live with no longer returning to my program. My heart felt dead set on it because I. felt. FREE.
Free to wake up at 6 a.m. and run outside because it was BEAUTIFUL. Free to rid my mind of pressing assignments because I mentally needed a break. But most importantly, I was free to let my soul soak up the sunshine and evaluate what was going on in my head-space.
I, Jordan (all responsibility on me), was allowing myself to become a performing monkey — overburdened by expectations and then conversely underwhelmed by what my heart was longing for and craving. I’ve always been proud of my academics — it’s the absolute achiever in me, HOWEVER, never had I ever felt like a grade was being dangled in front of my face as an incentive to conform to what a professor wanted…all for a project that was supposed to represent me, as I had during last semester.
And you know what, I finally fought back. I finally stood firm in what I wanted and let some shit go.
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Did my house situation kind of stink? Literally and figuratively — HECK YES. Did my classes start to get on my nerves? ABSOLUTELY. Did I finish strong? You bet your bottom dollar that I did, but like other things, that kind of mental perseverance can come with its own exhaustion; for me, that has included silence. I didn’t realize how much mental energy I was expending on staying positive through the end of the school year until I was home, back with the people who love me most, in a place that I could take off my shoes and stay awhile.
This isn’t to say that this past semester was bad, because there were so many beautiful and wonderful things that happened, but it is to say that your mental health can be directly affected by your environment.
This summer has been a great opportunity for me to breathe; albeit with its own set of transition and hesitation. My breathing has allowed me to truly evaluate how much of my energy is spent attending to things that are simply out of my control. Absolute disclaimer…contrary to popular belief, I have nothing figured out. I have goals, aspirations, and soul tugs, but nothing finite. And the hardest truth for me to swallow, is that it is in fact okay to not know.
I’ve needed this time to inhale and exhale. To not share across the platforms of social media. To wait until I had processed and could explain my feelings.
Sometimes, it’s easier to post something with an uplifting message because I always felt that maybe someone out there needed just that, but what about me? What about what I needed? I’ve needed to fill my time with events to experience, not just to post.
Bye Bye, expectations. Hello, experiences.
New lens for Senior Year. Stay tuned. 🙂
xo, jo
You, my dear, are a god given gift to your people and the world. Such an honor to know you, love you, watch you grow and have absolutely no doubt that you will figure it out and it will not be easy. I believe with my heart you will not settle for less and I will continue to love and support you from as close as we can get!
Ggtrg and Grandpa Bill applaud you!
I love you both so much! Thank you for always supporting me, encouraging me, and being present, whether near or far, in 🙂
Jordan- I also applaud you! You are an excellent communicator and it reminds me of many times in my life I can relate to. Not sure if it is the growing up party of it, or that you are a deep, smart woman who picks up on things so well. Best of all you can identify and communicate them. Then, you did something about it. That shows how happy you will be, Yep, sometimes life and situations are bad, you hit the bottom, then you have a choice; whether to stay there and conform, or make changes to enrich what you have control over. You are a bright woman- you go to your wonderful parents for advice who always shoot straight with you, and that makes you stronger.
Thank you for sharing the real you- when things get you down and we can all relate. Your description made me feel I was right there with you and could completely relate. Have you considered writing more? I think you have a gift in that. Please share if and when you do.
I send you my love, prayers and gratitude to you being you. You are a special person and I hope you embrace that. God is at work.
Love,
Auntie Laura
No matter how many times I’ve read this, I still cannot find the correct words to express my thanks. Thank you, Aunt Laura. The writing has been therapeutic as of late, so expect more to come. 🙂
Sending all of my love!